Well great... I got an email today from the HOSTs ppl saying I had been blocked from coming to HOSTs because they found summin in my criminal history report... Turns out 2 second degree felony charges that were supposed to have been droped when I was 14 showed up.... HOW DOES THAT WORK!!!! First off I was NEVER charged, Secondly isn't that juvenile? Aren't you supposed to not have been able to get stuff like that? That sounds creepy to me. But I have to get it taken care of like tomarrow... shit....

Even more importantly I think I hurt someones feelings tonight or made them mad or summin... She is working really hard and I gave her crap for not spending time with me :'( I mean the thing is I really really care for her (which is not summin I am used too) and I feel neglected.... Heck I know the most important thing to her right now are her studies....and I feel really bad that I am such a selfish dope. I want more than she is willing to give and I think that the only thing I can do about any of it is to just pray.... for her, for me. And I want to do more than just pray but I think that is all I can really do. I have no reason to feel neglected at all, she made it perfectly clear that her studies are the most important thing right now, but my emotions don't seem to be stoping for all of that. I can't turn them off cause I am asked... and that is tough for a guy who is used to not having to deal with them. I mean I think about her all the time.... and pray for her just about everytime I do... and by all the time I don't mean a couple of times a day, I mean everytime I pray, read, type, write, or even hug someone. If I could make it go away I'd seriouly consider it. But I guess I wouldn't give it up, but neither do I plan on holding on to summin that may never be there. I don't think I am holding onto it either. I don't try to make these feelings happen, as I might have in past situations, they just are there. I just want what is best for her, but I don't know what that is. I would settle for close friends at the moment but even that seems out of reach...

And I am going to fail a test tomarrow.....any prayers would be appreciated even if they are late.


Peace,
Craig